Can We Stop Being Weird About Dating Apps?
Let’s just go straight into it and bust some myths, shall we?
Dating App Myths Busted
It’s Not Less Holy
Using a dating app is no less holy than meeting someone at church, on a mission trip, or through a friend. Many people who eventually tried dating apps had been going to church and going on mission trips for a while beforehand. Others had been set up by friends over and over. Some had even taken a chance on the FedEx guy or the barista!
It’s Not Ruining God’s Plans
Online dating does not mean you’re rushing ahead of the Holy Spirit or not allowing him to bring you someone. The Lord looks at the heart. Always.
Plus, the idea that we could take the reins away from God by simply using an app is laughable. Opening one more door does not mean you are closing all the others. And you don’t have the power to ruin God’s plans.
It’s Not More Dangerous
Online dating is not inherently more dangerous than regular dating.
Are there some people you’d rather avoid on dating apps? Absolutely. Just like there are people you’d rather avoid at work, school, the grocery store, the bar, family reunions, yes, even at church, and anywhere else you go. One in 100 people is a sociopath. If you have 1,000 friends on Facebook, that means you probably already know at least ten.
So just put some safeguards in place:
Talk to them a bit before meeting in person - start by texting on the app, then try a phone call, and check in with yourself if you’re getting any “cringe factor.”
Stalk their social media profiles like you’re a hiring manager for the FBI and they’ve just applied for a job.
Make sure a trusted friend or family member knows where you are when you’re meeting someone new. Preferably, this same friend can be the person who “suddenly needs you to come over” if you need to end the date early.
Have plans already made for after the date. If it’s uncomfortable and you’re eager to get out, you already have somewhere you have to be. And if it was amazing, you already have an opportunity to share your joy with a friend.
Meet in a busy, public place.
Honestly, these rules should be no different when you go a “regular” date. Sadly, statistics show that rape is much more commonly perpetrated by people the victim already knows.
The Bible tells us to be on guard for wolves in sheep’s clothing and that satan disguises himself as an angel of light. He does not run around in red pajamas with a pitchfork. I wish he did because he’d be a heck of a lot easier to spot.
Be on guard. Check in with the Holy Spirit about whoever you’re hanging out with, whether you met them online or not, whatever they look like or act like. And pay attention to that “cringe factor” when you feel it, whether they’re a barista or a youth pastor. It’s there for a reason.
Everyone You Meet Online Is Not Weird
I feel like this is right up there with the “all homeschooled children are socially awkward” stereotype. It’s just not true.
During my dating years, I met quite a few men through dating apps, and, on the whole, they were no weirder than I am. I guess how you take that statement depends on what you think of me, but there you go. I had a few funny stories to share, but nothing crazy. And I ended up meeting my husband through a dating app.
A Few Duds Does Not Mean It Won’t Work for You
How many times do you meet a guy in real life and end up hitting it off? It’s not with most of the guys you meet, right? Most guys are going to be just your friends. And friends are great! We all need friends.
Dating apps are no different. Just as with dating in general, you may have to meet quite a few people before you find one that you’re compatible with for a long-term relationship. That’s completely normal. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And a long-term relationship, or marriage, is only one of many possible positive outcomes of dating—like making friends, discovering new interests, growing in confidence and assertiveness, building social skills, learning more about yourself, and, last but certainly not least, having fun.
It Will Not Be Too Awkward
Just kidding. Yes. Sometimes it will. Because dating in general is awkward!
So is introducing someone to your parents for the first time.
So is getting down on one knee.
So is having sex for the first time.
So is learning to disagree in a healthy way with your spouse.
Relationships can be very awwkard. But awkwardness is how we grow!
Like we used to say at my college student ministry, “Awkward conversations change lives.” Embrace the awkward!
Any experience that causes you to step out of your comfort zone and grow is going to be awkward at times. That’s okay! You and your date might even be able to laugh about the awkwardness together and break the ice that way.
Okay, I Don’t Think Dating Apps Are Weird or Desperate...But What Will My People Say?
If you manage to make it past the admittedly awkward stage of getting to know someone you met on an app, there’s the next step of introducing them to your friends.
Friends, Here’s How You Can Help Us Out
Some friends don’t know how to react when you say “we met on an app,” so they just kind of go silent and change the subject.
Others get overly defensive, like, you can tell they’re thinking “I’m kind of uncomfortable right now but I have to act like I’m not,” so they immediately chime in with, “Yeah I’m all for it that’s totally fine my brother met his wife on an app and they’re still happy I think and I have that other friend who met his girlfriend online and, yeah. That’s great. That’s cool. That’s the way things are going these days. You’re just, like, owning it, and being honest about it. And I hate it when people aren’t, because it’s totally fine, and….” This can be quite painful and cringey.
An appropriate response? “Oh, that’s great! Meet my SO, I met them at such-and-such place” OR “Oh, that’s cool! Well, I’m so glad to finally meet you because so-and-so has told me so many great things about you.”
It’s that simple.
It’s doesn’t have to be weird...at least, not any weirder than any of the other ways people meet.
Let’s Admit It, Dating in General Is Weird and Risky
Dating in general is weird. For everyone.
Exhibit A: The Church Small Group Relationship
You are friends with someone in your church small group, but you think they’re cute. How do you transition from “You’re my church friend” to “We’re dating?”
That can be hard. And when your whole small group finds out? The reactions vary from “OH! I totally did not put you two together” to “Oh my gosh I’ve been praying for you guys to get together since the day so-and-so showed up and I just know you’re God’s perfect match for each other and you will have beautiful babies and I will be the godmother.”
The Dreaded Church Small Group Breakup
Then what happens if you break up? And you’re in the same small group? Talk about weird. And hard. I’ve heard horror stories of small groups that have been basically ripped apart because a couple got together, had a painful breakup, one of them left, and then some small group members sided with one while others sided with the other.
Of course, I’ve also heard so many beautiful stories of relationships that started in church and resulted in thriving marriages. But the point is that any kind of dating can either turn out well or turn out badly, and it’s up to us to have the courage to meet the demands of either situation, and to decide what informed risks we are willing to take.
You Can Meet Someone Anywhere, Anyhow
I was 33 when I got married…which means I have quite a bit of experience with dating. Here are all the different ways I met men while I was single:
Church summer camps
Parties
Student ministry
Mission trips
Class
Playing sports
Apps
Mutual friends
Work
A dating app is no different than having a mutual friend introduce you. It’s just that this “mutual friend” happens to be an algorithm (which can *sometimes* be even more accurate than your friend, because it may be able to figure out things about how you tick that even your friend cannot see).
Give It a Try!
In these days of urbanization, most single people are young working professionals with their own full-time jobs, churches, apartment complexes, and gyms. Especially somewhere like Dallas-Fort Worth, we have a lot of amazing churches and other communities with some incredible single people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.
But how are people at The Village going to meet people at Watermark? How are people at Gateway going to meet people at Upperroom? Not to mention all the fantastic small churches we have around here.
That’s right—dating apps! If you’re wondering if trying out an app might be a good next step for you, check in with the Lord about it and see what He says.
