Transform Your Life after Narcissistic Abuse
At first, they seemed to be an incredible partner or friend. They may have seemed honest and vulnerable, sharing parts of themselves with you that they shared with no one else. They paid attention, noticed you in ways you maybe hadn’t been noticed in a long time, were fascinated by all your stories, and seemed utterly amazed by you.
But then, something started to shift.
Their actions were no longer matching up with their words. You found yourself feeling sad and confused and not quite knowing why. Promises started getting broken. You may have felt isolated from other people who loved you. You longed to go back to the way things were at first and kept desperately trying to figure out how. If only you could do or be better.
Then, you were blindsided when they discarded you. Like your world was shattered. You thought you’d just been going through a rough patch. All was confusion and chaos. You feel crazy—but then, were you really the crazy one? So many conflicting messages are coming at you from all directions. Loved ones who are unfamiliar with narcissism give you well-meaning advice, but really have no idea the hell you’ve just been through and are still going through. What was even real about the relationship? Do you really understand people, and know how to find “good ones,” at all?
You’re not crazy.
What is often so heartbreaking about narcissistic abuse is how familiar it is. You thought things were going to be different this time, and the same old story repeated itself with a new cast of characters. The most excruciating pain from your past, that you’d rather forget, is now back in the present.
People who find themselves in narcissistic relationships often have histories of being invalidated, gaslighted, and scapegoated by other important people in their lives. It’s not you. But you may have never quite known what it’s like to feel safe in a relationship. You may have gotten really good at making others feel safe, when you desperately needed protection.
This is my story. I’ve not only completed training in helping people heal from narcissistic abuse; I’ve lived it. I know what it’s like to second-guess yourself, to feel like you’re going crazy, to feel that awful sinking feeling once you see what’s been really going on. I’ve faced the emptiness and the pain (and been around the merry-go-round a few more times) and found healing.
You can change the pattern.
Narcissists are often attracted to incredibly intelligent, empathetic, dynamic, creative people with a lot going for them. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have anything for them to latch onto! They only left you because, at the end of the day, they were trying to do the impossible: take your power and claim it as their own.
The very reasons they put you on a pedestal at the beginning were the same reasons they devalued and discarded you later. They tried to take from you until you felt dry, but they still couldn’t fill their emptiness. And they won’t ever be able to until, and unless, they do their own healing and growth—the very things you now find yourself doing at a whole new level.
All the traits you already possess mean you can make the changes you wish to make in your life through therapy. You are not doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over. You are not doomed to keep “attracting narcissists into your life.” There is hope.
Together, we will identify the root issues and what is going on in your mind, emotions, and body that is causing the wrong kinds of people to feel safe, exciting, or attractive (and perhaps the right kinds of people to feel “boring”). We will identify strategies for not only recognizing red flags (let’s be honest, you could probably recite them to me), but helping your heart get on board with what these red flags actually mean. You’ll learn how to find and create healthy, safe, intimate, fun connection in life-giving relationships.
A quick note for those on the narcissistic side of the spectrum
Contrary to popular opinion, narcissism is not inherently untreatable.
If you’ve realized you have highly narcissistic traits or have even been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there is hope—for your behavior, your relationships, and your character—if you’re willing to do the work, same as anyone else.
Often, a highly narcissistic spouse will attract a more codependent spouse. You each have strengths the other needs because you’ve disowned that strength within yourself. The key is to be open to change. To rediscover the parts of yourself that have gone into hiding will require a lot of pain and facing truth you’d rather not face. But the results will be worth the struggle.
