How to Spot a Narcissistic Leader
Narcissists are everywhere. I wish I could tell you there was a type of church or work environment where you wouldn’t find one, but there simply isn’t (at least, not that I’ve come across). Narcissists seem to have a way of rising to the top of whatever environment they’re in. It’s a rare and beautiful organization that doesn’t have highly narcissistic people in leadership—a foretaste of the Kingdom of Heaven in its fullness.
It hurts every time I watch the pattern play out in various environments, but a good prayer that I pray when encountering these types of situations is the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” This keeps me from trying to play God by bringing things to light or “getting justice” when going toe to toe with a narcissist is hardly ever a good idea. This prayer helps me trust that eventually the truth will come out, though it may not be in my ideal timing. In fact, by intervening in areas that don’t concern me, I could be preventing someone from learning something God is trying to teach them—something only He can teach them, not another human.
Defining “Narcissist”
For the purposes of this article, “narcissist” means someone who is high enough in narcissistic personality traits that they consistently:
foster unhealthy dynamics that center themselves and diminish others,
fail to see their own part in or admit any responsibility for problems, and
leave a negative “wake” of confusion and pain behind them.
They don’t necessarily have to meet criteria for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
I don’t really like the word “narcissist” because it’s an identity word, and I would much rather use a phrase like “highly narcissistic” or “high in narcissistic personality traits” than a noun. But, for the sake of brevity, I will sometimes use the term “narcissist” interchangeably with “highly narcissistic leader” here.
Narcissists Hide in Plain Sight
The scariest thing about narcissistic leaders is that they hide in plain sight. Not just in plain sight—they tend to be in the spotlight! They are leaders at work. They are deacons at church. They often have an excellent public image. They may even be seen as a “culture carrier,” embodying the highest ideals of the environment they find themselves rising in.
Key Traits of a Narcissistic Leader
Narcissistic leaders can be difficult to spot, but it’s not impossible. Here are a few ways you can spot them:
They are never at fault.
If someone brings a grievance against a humble leader of integrity, that leader will ask good questions. That leader will own their part. They will be the first to say “I’m sorry” or “I could be wrong.” They will make amends and change behavior.
But with a narcissistic leader, you will either never hear the words “I’m sorry,” or if you do, it will only be because you are seen to have more “cards” in the moment. It will be purely out of self-preservation—a strategy play. When the proverbial excrement hits the fan, they are never at fault. Though they may hold all the power, though they may have all the cards, they will still manage to make it seem like they are the victim in the situation. And they’re really good at it.
This is one of the reasons it can be so dangerous to overtly “out” a narcissist in a way that could be possibly shaming or cause them to lose status. In most cases, the person who has been hurt by the narcissist has less power. For example, if the narcissist is a leader at church, the people most vulnerable to being hurt by them are those who have only been in the church a short time, and/or those who are a little rough around the edges, have less “smooth” personalities, or are less charming or likable. In most cases, the narcissist will have been there far longer and will have a lot more “clout” built up with the other “who’s whos” at the organization. And so fellow leaders’ responses might be something like:
Who are these other people? We know this guy—he gives lots of money, he and his family are always there when we need something, they volunteer, they lead, he baptized my son…but these people bringing accusations against them have only been Christians a year or two! Surely they’re just immature. Surely they’re not seeing things clearly, or they misunderstood something. Surely they must be at fault. Maybe we should just bring them together to have a reconciliation session. (Note: these “reconciliation sessions” often cause tremendous harm to the victim. Not only are they manipulated and gaslighted, sadly often with Scriptures like Matthew 18:15-20 used to back up the abuse; they often, out of confusion, will end up apologizing when they were actually the one who was wronged. Then they have the added pain and confusion of watching another “nicer” leader side with the narcissist, because a Jezebel always needs an Ahab).
Sadly, what often happens is that the people bringing accusations against the narcissist leave the church or organization—in the case of churches, yet more victims of “church hurt” or “bodies behind the bus” as Mark Driscoll used to say when he was leading Mars Hill. And it’s only when the narcissist repeats similar damaging behavior in other ministries or parts of the company over a number of years that a pattern starts to emerge and people realize that maybe the narcissist was at fault after all. But by then, much damage has already been done. Many good people have been hurt and have left, never to return.
2. They “protect” their people.
This is a really nasty, insidious “protection.” What I mean by protection is actually fencing, so the people both inside and outside the team won’t realize what’s really going on. The narcissist will look like they’ve just cultivated a really “tight-knit team,” and many people on that team may even deeply admire them and speak only the best about them, but here’s what’s really going on:
The narcissist is telling the team things like “Our team is so special. But those other pastors/department heads, they don’t understand the value of what we’re doing here like I do. They want to take our funding away and give it to that other ministry/department. But me? I advocate for you guys at meetings. We’ll be okay as long as we just stick together. I got your back.”
The narcissist is gradually eroding the trust of the people in their “care” in anyone else who could possibly help them, who could look inside the team or ministry and see that the dynamics are really unhealthy. They are convincing the people under them that they’re the only one who’s for them, that they’re the only one who understands them—when really, what the people under their leadership most need is to have people outside their immediate team that they can confide in about their concerns. Not only that, but they also gradually erode trust within the team, in anyone but themselves.. They tell team members things that other team members have said about them behind their back (whether true or not): “Well, when so-and-so said this about you, I stuck up for you…. Try not to judge them too harshly though; I think they’re just jealous of you.”
Then, when a team member (usually the one who’s been closest to the narcissist up to this point) finally says something the narcissist doesn’t like, or calls them out on bad behavior or an overt lie, that team member is gaslighted, scapegoated, and thrown under the bus. The narcissistic leader quickly finds a new “right-hand man,” and they craft a story about how the old right-hand man was sadly in rebellion and how they are praying for them to get right with God (or, at work, about how their performance just wasn’t up to par and they sadly had to let them go but wish them the best). The new right-hand man thinks what a shame it is that the old right-hand man betrayed the narcissistic leader like that, and their devotion to the leader becomes even fiercer. If they do manage to stay around, the old “right-hand man” is quietly ostracized by the rest of the team. They are not chosen for assignments, and they are overlooked for opportunities.
What’s crazy is, most narcissistic leaders aren’t that smart. What I mean is, the vast majority don’t know what they’re doing. So even if you confront them, you can’t get any truth out of them, because it simply isn’t there. They are utterly deceived. There is a small percentage, that many call “malignant narcissists,” who know what they’re doing. But, at this point, we are venturing into psychopathic territory. This type of narcissist is so rare that some people may never encounter them their entire lives. The vast majority of narcissists truly believe their own lies. They truly believe they’re in the right, that they’re the victim and never to blame if anything goes wrong, and that they’re caring for their team well. And they will hold onto that lie even when logically, calmly, and lovingly confronted, because then they get to stay in the very powerful position of “victim.”
3. They foster an atmosphere of confusion.
Any time you feel confused, the enemy is at work.
What’s absolutely baffling is how likable the leader continues to be on the surface, how positive they seem to be, even how “encouraging.” They are often the first to lavish their team with praise: “You all are the best team ever!” “We have the best team in the world!” “We’re growing so fast, and contributing so much, the others are probably so jealous of us!”
Yet your gut tells you something is wrong.
We unfortunately live in a culture that values the left brain at the expense of the right, that values the head at the expense of the heart, and that values logic at the expense of emotion. As humans, we all need balance—to bring these equally needed sources of information and wisdom into conversation and alignment. Victims who have been so confused and bamboozled are often unable to clearly articulate what has happened to them. After all, would Eve have been able to articulate clearly why she ate the fruit? What match was she for the cunning serpent?
But discerning team members just know something doesn’t feel right. Something feels off. They feel icky inside; they feel like there’s darkness and chaos in the group. But what are “vague feelings” like these compared to the calm, cool, collected, smooth, reassuring talk of the narcissist? The victim ends up looking like a fool, when really they are the one who is seeing clearly; they’re just not “seeing” in the way our culture likes. They’re not “seeing” in a logical, articulate, scientific way. But you bet they’re seeing the truth, all right.
The confusion can look like:
The narcissist saying the team is fine, when what you’re seeing is that no one trusts each other anymore; former friends don’t confide in each other, and in fact, the narcissist has taken each of them aside, one by one, and told them things that the other “said” about them.
The narcissist saying the group is fine, when you’re noticing that numbers have been cut in half and that people have just “disappeared” who used to be active and involved. When you reach out to them, they don’t seem to want to get together or to talk about why they left.
The narcissist saying “we’re just going through a rough patch; now that those dissenting troublemakers are gone, things will get better again,” but you’re noticing how depleted the diversity is, that some of the brightest, most courageous, most intelligent voices are gone, and many of the people who are left don’t seem to have much of a backbone and seem to be overly dependent on the narcissist.
Basically, things just aren’t matching up.
Jezebel & Ahab
In some church circles, dynamics of narcissism and codependency are often referred to in terms of “Jezebel spirit” and “Ahab spirit.” In the Old Testament, Jezebel was an evil queen—but she wouldn’t have been able to bring her evil schemes to fruition if it wasn’t for the complicity of her passive husband, King Ahab. In Revelation, John the Apostle rebukes the church for essentially repeating Ahab’s mistake (cowardice and not protecting the people) and tolerating Jezebel (a spirit of deception that devours the sheep).
Every Jezebel needs an Ahab.
If your company or church has leadership that is enslaved to fear of man, that is people pleasing, that is afraid to speak difficult truths, unfortunately, the stage is ripe for “Jezebel” leaders to rise up as well. The sheep are unprotected. It’s only a matter of time.
Okay, So I Have a Narcissistic Leader. What Do I Do Now?
The good thing is? You don’t have to partner with an Ahab spirit. If you are seeing these toxic dynamics at play, and you don’t believe others will listen to you, you do have options. You are not alone. If you are under a leader who never seems able to admit fault, who constantly says one thing and does another, who systematically erodes the trust of members of the team in one another, who is isolating you from the rest of the organization or from other leaders, these are signs that you may need to take action.
Resist the urge to believe you can save the entire organization or save other people who don’t want to see or are not ready to see the truth yet. That is stepping into God territory. Do what you need to do to care for yourself.
If you have someone outside your team you can trust—and who could potentially help in some way—you may choose to confide your concerns to them. If you are in a church, you may wish to consider joining a different ministry, or finding a different church if the top leader is the concern. If you are at a company, you may want to consider applying to a different team or applying to different organizations entirely.
You may have a ton of objections, a ton of reasons why you need to just stay in the toxic dynamics and hurtful cycle. If you examine these objections, I believe most of them will be rooted in fear. But I believe God’s got your back, and He will open doors to protect you. You are His beloved child. If you are in the difficult situation right now of realizing you are under narcissistic leadership, I pray Matthew 10:16 and the Serenity Prayer for you: that God would grant you the serenity to accept what you can’t change (“gentle/innocent as a dove”), the courage to change what you can (“sent out as a sheep among wolves”, and the wisdom (“wise/shrewed as a serpent”) to know the difference.
More Resources to Support Your Journey
I’ve found Kris Reece very helpful on this topic:
